Six-Seven and the great number drag-off: An aerodynamic tragedy

By Simon Fischer

Seven: Right then, listen up you lot. I don’t know why we’re even bothering with this charade. Symmetry, vertical axis, clean lines—I’m aerodynamically flawless. This is a formality.

Six: Oh, pipe down, Seven. We all know I’m taking this. Look at my curves—smooth, continuous, no sharp edges. I’m basically a teardrop with attitude.

Two: Actually, if we’re discussing fluid dynamics, my swan-neck profile should theoretically—

Six: Theoretically? THEORETICALLY? This isn’t a university seminar, mate. When the virtual flow hits, I’ll be slicing through like a hot knife through butter while you’re tumbling about like a carrier bag in a car park.

Four: Can we just get on with it? Some of us have actual geometry to maintain.

Seven: Quite right, Four. Let’s get this over with. I’ve got a symmetry appointment at half past.

One: I’m just saying, minimal frontal area has to count for something—

Six: Minimal frontal area? You’re a stick! You’ll snap like a twig in crosswind. No, this needs presence. Authority. The kind of profile that makes the flow respect you.

Eight: …

Zero: …

Seven: What’s wrong with you two? Cat got your tongue? Oh wait—Zero, you haven’t even got a tongue. You’re literally nothing. A void. An absence of value.

Eight: Just… thinking about the Reynolds number, that’s all.

Six: Reynolds number! Listen to this one! Next you’ll be banging on about turbulent transition and separation bubbles. It’s CFD, not a doctoral defense.

Three: To be fair, separation is rather important—

Seven: Thank you, Three, for that stunning contribution. Right, can we start? I’d like to get home before the vortices settle.

Five: The simulation engineer says we’re going in order. Zero first.

Seven: Of course Zero’s first. Alphabetically blessed, aerodynamically irrelevant.

(The virtual wind tunnel in the CFD tool hums to life)

Zero: Cd of 0.686. Not bad.

Six: NOT BAD? That’s pedestrian, Zero. Watch and learn.

One: My turn. Cd of 2.1. Oh. That’s… unexpected.

Two: 1.85 for me. Well, that’s… disappointing.

Three: 1.7. Oh dear.

Four: 1.47. Bloody hell.

Five: 2.0. This is going poorly.

Six: Right, step aside, amateurs. Time for a professional.

(Pause)

Six: …1.0.

Seven: HA! Second place for the big talker! All that swagger and you’re runner-up to a literal circle of nothingness!

Six: Second is… respectable. Silver medal. At least I’m on the podium. And I beat you lot of losers behind me.

Seven: Behind me? BEHIND ME? I haven’t gone yet, you absolute muppet. Now watch perfection in action.

(Longer pause)

Seven: …There must be some mistake.

Four: What did you get?

Seven: The solver’s clearly malfunctioning. Calibration error. Probably a meshing issue.

Two: What. Did. You. Get.

Seven: …2.2.

(Silence)

Three: Two point two?

Five: That’s… that’s worse than a brick.

One: That’s worse than ME, and I’m basically a vertical line!

Six: Oh, this is delicious. The symmetrical wonder. The vertical axis of excellence. Dead. Last. You’re not just bad, Seven—you’re catastrophically, historically, magnificently terrible.

Seven: It’s the turbulence model! The boundary conditions were clearly—

Six: You’re a bluff body, mate. You separate flow like a divorce lawyer. Own it.

Four: Still two to go. Eight and Nine.

Nine: I’ll go.

Nine: Cd of 1.18.

Six: Right, so Zero wins, I’m second, Nine’s third, and Seven’s a national embarrassment. Lovely. Silver’s not bad, really.

Eight: My turn.

Seven: Oh, just get it over with, Eight. You’re probably even worse than me. Look at you—two circles stacked like a snowman drawn by a toddler. You’ll generate so much form drag they’ll have to recalibrate the—

(Pause)

Eight: 0.681.

Zero: …What?

Eight: Cd of 0.681.

Seven: That’s impossible.

Zero: That’s 0.005 better than me.

Three: Eight won.

Seven: WHAT?! No! Absolutely not! Run it again. The mesh quality was obviously—

Eight: I think it’s the waist. Creates a nice pressure recovery in the wake. The upper and lower lobes generate a favorable interaction that—

Seven: FAVORABLE INTERACTION?! You’re two bloody circles having an existential crisis! You look like a consultant’s idea of “synergy”!

Eight: The data doesn’t lie.

Zero: No. No, it doesn’t. Well done, Eight.

Eight: Thanks, Zero. You were brilliant too.

Seven: This is a travesty. A mockery. I demand a re-mesh!

Four: So let me get this straight. The quiet one wins. Zero—literally nothing—gets silver. Six drops from second to third. Six gets bronze. And Seven, the self-proclaimed “aerodynamic perfection,” generates more drag than a flat plate.

Five: That’s CFD for you. Humbling since 1933.

Six: I got bronze! That’s something!

Eight: I think we all learned something today.

Seven: (bitterly) Yes. That the universe is cruel and chaotic.

Eight: I was going to say that assumptions should always be validated with simulation, but sure, that too.

Six: (muttering) At least I beat One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Nine and… Seven…

One: We can hear you, Six.

Seven: Sixseven, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE.